Introduction

Hi my name is Casie and I am a victim of abuse, and a survivor of it as well. I have created this page to tell my story and how I'm healing from it. I was diagnosed in my 20's with PTSD and more recently Complex PTSD or CPTSD. I have experienced sexual, mental, emotional, and physical abuse as far back as I can remember. I look over my life and the memories to work through seem daunting, but I am doing it. 

The frustrating part is that healing takes time. You will have days where you conquer mountains and days you need to take a break because the weight of it is too much. There are some days you absolutely need self care after a session or to do something positive for yourself to kinda soothe the area of pain you have opened. 

I had suppressed as much of my life traumas as I could, but like holding a beach ball super water at some point it will resurface, and do so with force. I remember as a kid having angery outburst at teachers and friends. I often wanted nothing to do with kids at school because I felt different, the anger inside was building. The abuse I endured at home was too much for my mind to handle. I remember getting into physical fights with kids all the way up to 8th grade. I felt powerless at home in my environment and had decided I wasn't going to let these people take what little power I had away from me. 

I remember in kindergarten a male teacher had grabbed my arm and it was like an instant flashback with all the trigger just hit me like lightening. I looked up at the teacher and kicked him as hard as I could in his shin. The teacher became angry and picked me up by my under arms and slammed me in the chair. I was angry, I was fighting tears of embarrassment and sadness to my loss of power in that moment. All through school I had these power grab moments with authority figures in particular. I felt rejected, helpless, hopeless and afraid so much of the time at home I felt I needed to appear like this rough, tough, and hard person at school. and when I look back I now know I only did it because I was scared.

My rejection from my parents started before I was even born. When my dad found out I was going to be a girl he became angry. That night he got drunk and high with his friends and came home angry. While with his friends he decided I wasn't going to live. He came home and chased my mom with a baseball bat and tried to hit her stomach, he hoped to end my life that way. My mom found a shovel and hit my dad in the head knocking him out. When I was finally born my dad stayed long enough to verify I was a girl and not a boy, when he got his answer he left and drove back to Colorado from Nebraska. You see my dad only wanted a boy, when my mom didn't provide that he went back to his girlfriend. He was married to my mom but took it as a slant to him that she produced me and not a male child.

my Aunt had told me after coming home my mom placed me in the crib and didn't touch me. she ignored my cries for so long my aunt said I didn't cry for my needs anymore. She said when she came to visit me a week after I was born she found me in a crib covered in feces and and was dirty. she said if she hadn't took care of me for several months after I was born my mom would have left me to die in that crib. My mom has hated me to her core from my birth on, and blamed me for my dad leaving her. these beginning moments of my life shaped how my parents interacted with me from that point on. 

As I lay out some of my personal stories I want people to know there's hope. God wouldn't leave me there. The word of God says, "If your mother and father forsake you, I will take care of you." He really has done that too. I've learned that telling your story can be healing so that's what I'm aiming for and to let others know they are not alone in their struggles with childhood trauma.