Conflict and Healing

 Today I was going through childhood stuff in my workbook. It brought up a lot of points to think on. How I was treated, cared for, how I was taught to deal with my emotions and so on. I've always had issues with expressing and labeling my feelings and couldn't understand why. One of those would be when my emotions are high I tend to shut myself away in my house, window curtians closed and shutting out people. I never understood why I did this till now. 

when my mom or dad were angry at me as a kid they yelled at me, called me names, and also assaulted me. When it was over I would go to my room and hid. Sometimes it was so severe I remember hiding under my bed for hours trying to recover. Now if I have conflict or my emotions overwhelm me I hide in my house and avoid any sense of conflict. It's that thought if I keep everyone happy and avoid the hard stuff I will be safe from anger and conflict. As I have found though, it just surprises emotions and over time can affect the body and cause serious health and mental health issues. 

I am now learning how to address issues, confronting emotions, and not allowing a place where people take advantage of me. I did it at my last church. I never stood up to my pastor Jeremiah Johnson on anything. over time he expected so much of me all the time, as well as perfection, that I began to break down over the years. I ended up in the hospital multiple times for my MS or other issues because my body after 8 years could no longer handle it all. 

By stepping away from Jeremiah Johnson and his church Gracepoint I have begun to heal. my new pastor Anton Folz doesn't treat me like Jeremiah did. Anton allows me to take breaks, has a full IT team which allows me to take off. At Jeremiahs church the only time I wasn't working IT alone was when I traveled twice a year, but even that he would tell me I could only miss one Sunday during my trip and I had to take the laptop in case "he" needed me. I never said no because I saw how he threw people away and treated them when they told him no. 

I'm really Glad under Anton I am treated more like a team member who is just as excited to reach and love people then some cog in the machine where when they decide I'm not worth it anymore throws me away. Aton listens to my thoughts, he is excited with my revelations, and cheers me on when I'm trying to work through stuff on my own. Jeremiah is more like my father who never saw any real good sin me, expected a level of perfection no one could live up to and tried to destroy me when I am not able to meet his needs. Anton is more christ like. He represents the things God really wants in my life, encouragement, lifting up, a listener, and help in times of need. God is trying to display who he really is through a man. the man is not perfect by any means but the character he's using is constantly pointing to Jesus and not himself. 

God has been the key to my healing. Seeing the difference between using me and walking with me. God doesn't use me and throw me away when I no longer fit his need or makes mistakes. God is showing me just how safe he is and how he never leaves. This is all vital to my healing. Knowing God is on my team and always cheering for me without a moment of demanded perfectionism. I like where I am better, there's no stress and all my illnesses are fading way. I'm so ready to be whole and healthy in all was, and I feel like I'm finally making progress in this.

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